Are you even listening? The value of being present

Have you ever been in mid-conversation with someone who obviously wasn't listening? Call them out on it and they will be quick to say "I'm listening", right? But, then they cannot recall what you said and ask you to repeat something. Perhaps, he or she was responding to an important email or text, or even paying a bill. Or, perhaps, just checking a notification or playing a game. It often has something to do with a person's phone or device. Let me ask you this, have you ever been that person? I know I have been guilty of this on more than one occasion. My older sister was actually the one who called me out on it. She often calls it selective hearing. Whatever the reason, this occurrence is a sign of poor listening skills and one that we see every day. If you are not actively listening and trying to understand and interpret the messages you are receiving from others, then, in retrospect, are you even present in that dialogue? Or, are you just staring off into the digital space?

(Wow, A star!)

For one of my other assignments this week, we were assigned a book by Dr. John Kline titled Effective Listening. Though it was published in 1996, I couldn't help but consider how our society's obsession with technology and how our smartphones have added another barrier to active listening. We are constantly multi-tasking between work, life, family, phone (and all that involves), and communicating with various people through our personal and professional relationships. Yet, out of all the communication skills we were taught in school (reading, writing, speaking), very few have had any formal instruction in listening according to Dr. Kline. As such, there are not many who practice the skills needed to be an effective listener. This is, likely, because most people consider themselves good listeners.

Whether we realize it or not, our attention can be easily diverted by a combination of external and internal stimuli. We, ultimately, choose what we allow to thwart our attention from attending to an open email message, listening to a guest speaker at a networking event, or being a listening ear for a friend. Dr. Kline's book provides a lot of helpful tips that can help anyone hone in on some effective listening skills. The best place to start would be by recognizing the barriers that keep you from being attentive whenever you are listening to a speaker or receiving a message through email or text. Awareness is key. Rick Goodman, in his blog post, provides five common barriers that prevent us from being active listeners in our exchanges with others:

1. Trying to be a mind-reader: Do you try to deduce what someone is trying to say before they get their point across?

2. Judging prematurely: Kind of speaks for itself.

3. Filtering: Are you filtering out information that you do not want to hear?

4. Jumping in with advise: Are you quick to jump in with suggestions or solutions?

5. Correcting: Are you a fact checker?

In my professional life, I consider myself to be an effective communicator, but as I recognize some of these barriers in myself in my exchanges with others I, too, realize that my active listening skills are not quite up to par. Do any of these behaviors seem familiar to you? If, so then you and I are in the same boat and could probably go for a little of Listening Skills 101. Most of us listen to react and we do not often wait to gather all the information before responding.

For anyone looking to learn more about effective listening, I would definitely recommend Dr. Kline's book. But, when in doubt, follow his golden rule, which I will leave you with here: Be the kind of listener you want others to be when you are talking.